


So Maybe I'm Not Okay

by SoupySox



Series: Are We Okay? [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alpha Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups, Alpha Yoon Jeonghan, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst with an I guess you can say happy ending, Beta Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Comfort, Forehead Kisses, M/M, Mentioned Boo Seungkwan, Miscarriage, Misunderstandings, Mpreg, lots of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-04
Packaged: 2020-06-03 09:08:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19460848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoupySox/pseuds/SoupySox
Summary: Joshua looked to his bloody hands, the metallic substance leaving an almost prickly sensation on his skin.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic, so it might be horrible. Read it if you'd like.

He ran upstairs when he began to feel immense pain in his abdomen, locking himself all alone in the bathroom. Leaving everyone else in the room a little worried at his sudden absence. "Don't worry," Seungcheol said while placing his hand on Jeonghan's shoulder, "I'll deal with it. We don't want things to get too out of hand down here."

"You sure? I can always help you ou-" Jeonghan opposed, but Seungcheol only placed a finger onto his lips, effectively shutting him up. A cheeky smile on his face as he pecked his mate on the forehead. 

"I'm sure it's nothing big, I'll talk to him." The older alpha said assuredly before running off to the bathroom.

Joshua looked to his bloody hands, the metallic substance leaving an almost prickly sensation on his skin. He knew that as a beta male, his chances of conceiving weren't high. The chances of actually carrying to full term even lower. 

So when he began to feel tired all the time and get dizzy from smells he once enjoyed, he began to wonder if it was possible. If he would actually carry the child he didn't know he wanted. 

He pressed his face roughly into his blood covered palms, hoping to muffle his cries. His cries for the life he was trusted to carry. The life that was going to be his own child. The morning sickness he'd once hated, he missed now. As it was a sign that the life was still living. When he awoke this morning to no throwing up, it did scare him a bit. But he figured it had just stopped then for him. It stops right? But he started to feel pain during breakfast. Little twinges that would make him slightly jump in his seat if he paid much attention to it. 

But it was only subtle, barely noticeable, so he didn't think much of it. He thought it was just a simple cramp that didn't mean much. But the pain worsened. He couldn't focus much anymore. When it began to get so bad he felt tears pool in his eyes, he knew he couldn't stay downstairs with everyone. He didn't want to be bombarded with "Are you okay?"s, he didn't want everyone's attention on him.

He made plans to tell them after he reached his second trimester, when he'd finally be out of the danger zone. The appointment for his 15th week being no less than three short days away. He wanted to be sure that the chances of miscarrage were smaller before telling his mates. He didn't want to get their hopes up for it to fail. He didn't want to get his own hopes to far up. 

A gentle knock on the door caused him to jolt, "Joshua? I know you're in there. Please talk to me. Everyone's downstairs and a little worried. You left without notice. You never do that." Seungcheol asked from the other side. Joshua held his breath. Silently wiping the tears off his face. He watched the door, praying to god that he wouldn't pry it open. When he got no response, the alpha began to really worry. "Josh, please. You're scaring me."

His attempts to go unnoticed failed as a soft hiccup escaped his lips. A relieved sigh is heard from the other side before said person slides down the door slowly. "Joshua, please open the door. At least talk to me. Please." He knew it was impossible. A beta being able to actually carry a child to full term? There was no way. 

"Please. I'm so fucking worried right now Josh. Please just talk to me. You know I hate using my alpha commands on you. At least tell me you're okay." Seungcheol begged from the other side, the term alpha command scaring Joshua. He didn't want to have to open the door. 

"Please don't. I-I'm okay. " He muttered before a wet sob ripped through his throat. The bathroom that once had white porcelain appliances and baby blue tiles was now stained red. He smoothed out his blood drenched baggy sweatshirt, cupping his bump in his palms fondly. "Seungcheol, it's all my fault. I'm just a failure. I'm so sorry." 

"Josh please! Whatever happened I know it wasn't your fault. You're not a failure." Seungcheol pressed his clenched fist against the door, his forehead following soon after. "Please open the door Joshua. Let me hold you, hug you, please. Whatever's wrong, let us go through it with you. Please." 

"I c-can't. You t-two would h-hate me." He cried, running his hands through the scarlet liquid pool that seemed to be growing steadily. His vision began to blur, nausea flooding his head. He could no longer focus on the world around him. 

"Joshua, you know Jeonghan and I could never hate you." Seungcheol could feel pure distress through the bond, he knew Jeonghan could feel it too. "I know you're scared, please let me know what's wrong. Let me help you. Let both of us help you."

"W-what i've done c-can't be forgiven. I-It's all my f-fault." He grieved, a sharp pain in his midsection caused him to let out a cry. Curling into himself, causing an onslaught of tears. 

"Joshua!" He jumped up, jiggling the doorknob frantically. "Open the damn door!" He had to think of something to do, quickly. His beta couldn't follow a command right now. He saw blood begin to flow under the door into the hallway, terrifying him. Without even giving it consideration, he slammed his shoulder into the door, breaking the lock upon contact.

He gasped. "Josh! You are not okay! Oh my god! What happened?" Blood was all over the floor and him. He brushed Joshua's bloody fringe away from his line of vision, cupping his face with his palms, his eyes watering as he stared into his beta's zoned out eyes. Joshua raised his hand, covering the back of Seungcheol's hand with his own. "Stay with me, I'm gonna call 911. Please keep your eyes open. What's happening?"

A look of surprise took over his features until an expression of anguish replaced it. "Please don't," he grunted, "I'm fine." He removed his hand to cradle his bump, hiccuping as more tears leaked from his eyes. 

"Joshua, I love you. I love you so, so much." He cried before running off to call for help. Joshua didn't understand why he was in so much pain. Should it hurt this much? Not only was it deep inside his lower gut, but it was wrapping around his lower back as well. Should he be bleeding this much? Not only was he scared but he was guilty. He should have told his mates, or at least done a better job at hiding it. Now the pool that was once just blood, was now watery with tears. 

He grew to feel loads of love for the small bump that was his child. The small movements that woke him up in the middle of the night, that once were a nuisance, were all he wanted to feel. He gritted his teeth. Trying his best to stop his tears already. But he couldn't. The pain was just so bad. He could feel the blood dripping from where it shouldn't. Jeonghan came into sight, a look of worry spread across his features as he came rushing closer. He tried to stay awake, he really did. But he couldn't. Getting pulled into Jeonghan's lap was the last thing he could really grasp onto. Placing his face into the crook of that alphas neck. He inhaled the scent and calmed down slightly, but his consciousness was slipping away. The last thing he heard before completely shutting down were the harsh yet speedy stomps of EMTs.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But most of all. He was scared of their reactions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done :) 
> 
> sorry for any errors

He happened to wake up when the room was empty, choosing to face the window as the guilt was just too overbearing. Where he once felt so much joy, was now just, empty. He felt empty, devoid of emotion. He placed his hand onto his tummy, it was flat now. No evidence of the bump ever being there to begin with. A clean slate. 

He heard the click of the door. Cups gently being placed on the table by his bedside. Chairs being pulled out and people sitting on them. His lip wobbled as he tried his best not to cry. The tension in the room as thick as butter.

He curled into himself, shattering the stiffness of the room, tears leaked from his tightly shut eyes, cursing himself for being an idiot. For believing that there was a safe zone. That he could have a pup. He was scared in so many ways right now. Scared of possibly getting pregnant again. Scared of the medical bill. Scared of having to explain himself. 

But most of all. He was scared of their reactions. 

"When did you make plans to tell us?" Seungcheol asked, rubbing his temples roughly. Sighing, he rested his hands on his lap. Shaking his head in defeat. "How long did you know?" 

"Week three." He muttered, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut. Pinching his arm, praying to God that it wasn't real. That he didn't miscarry. But to his dismay, he couldn't wake up. This was his reality. 

"I would've been there for you, both of you. If you'd told me I could've protected you. I could've done so much for you." Jeonghan sniffled, with a wobbly voice, he continued. "I'm one of your alphas. I just could've helped you so much. I could've spoken to you and the bab-"

"Please don't say that." He snapped, "I couldn't take care of them, I don't deserve to have those fantasies." He swiped his hand away from the spot that life used to thrive. He surprised himself with his ability to keep it a secret and alive for so long. 

"Joshua, why do you think it's your fault? Of course it's not. I'm at fault here. I should've known. I'm your mate, I'm supposed to be able to find these things out without having to be told. The signs were clear." Seungcheol protested, looking at his reflection in the window. He could tell how strong Joshua was trying to be for the both of them, and he couldn't lie. He was proud of his attempt, but disappointed that he never approached them about it.

"I was supposed to care for it, keep it alive till it could survive on its own-ish." He muttered, staring blankly at the wall even though anger swam through his veins. Anger at himself, he had to cause all of them this hurt, this heartache. He doesn't deserve either of his mates.

"It was a girl, Joshua. You were going to have a girl." Jeonghan informed him, biting his knuckle to keep his calm. But he couldn't, the tears that pooled in his eyes began to blur his vision. When they fell, he couldn't keep himself from asking the question that was engraved in his mind. "Why didn't you tell us, Joshua. We're here to help you go through these things. It doesn't matter if the baby is mine or Seungcheols, we'd never leave you to carry something this heavy alone on your shoulders. If you tell us, we'll help you lift it." 

"I was scared." He confessed, "I didn't want one of you to be mad that it wasn't yours. I don't know what I planned to do when I got too big to hide it." In the short amount of time from when he woke up to now he lost count of how many times he tried to hold a bump that wasn't there. It felt like an arrow was shot through his heart. The pain was unbearable. He felt worthless. As if he couldn't do anything anymore. 

"Joshua, you know for a fact that we would love the baby whether or not it was ours or one another's. I could never get, let alone stay, mad at you." Seungcheol reminded him, "This was not your fault at all, and as much as I want to blame myself too, it wasn't my fault either. Nor was it Jeonghans. They couldn't determine the cause of the miscarrige Joshua, so there's no one to blame for it." 

Jeonghan inhaled deeply, blinking away the tears in his eyes rapidly. "They said it could have been a chromosome abnormality, but they weren't completely sure about that answer. We can try again in a few mo-"

"No! No, Jeonghan." Joshua blurted, shooting up and looking at him in the eyes. "I don't want to try again. I'm scared. What if it happens again?" 

"Then we'll be with you every step of the way to healing, don't worry." Jeonghan stepped closer and wiped the tears off of Joshua's puffy eyes and cheeks, studying the fresh tear streaks. Scooping the beta into his arms he sat on the bed. "Joshua, you know we wouldn't force you to do something you don't want to. If you don't want to attempt again, then you don't have too. Don't feel like you're letting us down for not wanting to try."

Seungcheol, joined them, gently brushing back Joshua's fringe, "We'll love you regardless." He added with a soft voice. "Now Joshua, are you okay?" 

"Ye-No. I don't really think I am." He answered truthfully, wiping his eyes before looking at his fidgeting fingers. How could he lie and say that he was at this point? It was clear. With a steady stream of leaky tears rolling down his face, he could not say he was fine. Cause he really wasn't. 

"Then why did you say you were if you really weren't?" The oldest of them all asked, pausing his soothing ministrations, a look of pure confusion painted across his features.

"I guess I didn't want you guys to make a big deal over it." Joshua admitted with a shy watery laugh, "If it concerns you guys at all, the only person I told was Seungkwan." 

"Seungkwan!" Seungcheol and Jeonghan exclaimed, both their waterworks shutting down on the spot. Joshua yelped as he fell to the ground, Jeonghans grip faltering for a second. 

"Oh my god I'm sorry!" The younger alpha cried as he jumped to help their beta off the ground. Laughing a bit as he intertwined their fingers, pulling him up from the floor. 

Joshua covered his face while being spun into Jeonghan's chest, "No, I'm sorry, I told him before you guys." He groaned, "I was crying so hard and was so guilty when I found out that I just needed to vent to someone, and you know how much Seungkwan knows about pregnancies and babies. He just seemed like the right person to talk too." 

"God, I can't believe you told Seungkwan first!" Seungcheol chuckled, pulling them both into his arms. He placed a kiss on each of their foreheads, then pecked each of their lips. "I bet he squealed the whole time, he was probably showing more excitement than you." 

"He did. He even asked me if I was excited that's how scared I sounded. I was excited, but that cleary changed. Now it's just hollow, I can't remember what that joy felt like. I loved feeling her move, it felt like I was doing something right, for once." 

"That's what we're here for Joshua, to help you through things like this. We won't leave you, ever. You're stuck with us." The oldest reassured, squeezing them both tightly. "I'm not stopping until all of us can say we're okay. This affected all of us. Maybe we'll have to go to a few therapy sessions, maybe we just need each other." 

"Right, now let's go home and watch movies and cuddle." Jeonghan commented, resting his head on Seungcheol's chest, sighing contentedly. 

Joshua sniffled, "Don't forget the ice-cream. Besides that, it sounds like a wonderful idea." His head following Jeonghans in resting on Seungcheol's chest, said alpha resting his head upon theirs. 

"I'm fine with that." Seungcheol muttered, soaking in the moment for just a second longer. Breathing in both his mates soothing scents. 

Maybe they weren't okay, but he knew everything was going to be just fine. He could guarantee that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, thanks for reading pal!

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this for my own characters and spent a few days editing it to fit my bois. Feel free to let me know what you think in the comments :).


End file.
